Beginners luck, p.12
Beginner's Luck, page 12
One way or another, Jay was determined to break the status quo tonight.
A trill of an incoming call from his laptop pulled him out of the spiral. Erica’s name flashing on the screen made Jay’s stomach drop. He’d had every intention of seriously considering her offer, but all he’d done so far was put it off till later.
Jay put in his earbud with a sigh and clicked the Join button. “Good morning.”
“I have a call with a potential client in a few minutes, and they asked you to join. Are you free?” She didn’t even bother with a greeting, which spoke volumes about how hectic her morning had been. He didn’t mind Erica’s frantic calls, which usually resulted in him dropping his projects to do some last-minute work, and was already rearranging his schedule in his head when her words registered.
“They asked for me?” He couldn’t hide the incredulity in his voice.
“They asked for the person working with the school system, and they weren’t talking about Kyle. Whoever referred them must have had a lot of good things to say about you,” she teased.
“Okay, yeah, I’ll join, though I’m not sure how much I can contribute.” Jay’s head was spinning. He was just a programmer, right? Sure, he’d taken some calls when Kyle, the project manager, sent them over. He’d patiently walked the school officials through his designs and the science behind them. And he’d gone out to a few schools to train people on the sensor setup when everyone on the field team was too busy to go.
But that’s what being a lead programmer meant, right? Pitching in when no one else was available?
Deep down, Jay knew that wasn’t the case. Lead programmers were in charge of the code, letting the other teams deal with everything else. They didn’t take ownership of the entire project.
They didn’t know everyone on the client team by name.
“Thanks, Jay.” She paused long enough for Jay to wonder if she’d hung up without saying goodbye. “I hope you’ve had some time to think over the offer. Let’s talk next week.”
He had until next week to decide what to do, which was a lucky break because he could only handle one existential problem at a time, and Aaron was higher priority.
Between the meeting, which went well enough for Erica to send Jay five thumbs-up emojis in a row, and testing his code, he stayed busy the rest of the day.
As soon as the clock struck 4:30, he hurried through a shower, spending longer than usual grooming himself, smiling at the mirror as he shaved and combed his hair into a neat arrangement, and adding a splash of cologne to complete the process.
Going with his gut, he pulled out a deep purple button-down shirt his sister got him in an effort to dress him like an adult. The cocktail bar he’d chosen was more upscale than he was used to. Sure, they wouldn’t turn him away for wearing a T-shirt, but he wouldn’t look favorable compared to everyone else.
Besides, Aaron hadn’t seen Jay outside of his usual attire. While Jay wasn’t conceited about his looks, he was aware of his assets and how to play them up. Tonight, it would be his secret weapon.
It was too late to search his closet for dress pants, so he threw on his trusty black jeans and inspected his reflection. It didn’t look like he was trying too hard, but it was obvious he’d made an effort.
Obvious was good.
He strode into the cocktail bar a few minutes late after barely finding a parking spot on a side street. Aaron was already there, at a low table in the back, engrossed in the menu, only lifting his head when Jay stopped a few feet away. His eyes widened as they raked over Jay’s body, lingering on his forearms before returning to his face.
“Holy shit, you look incredible,” Aaron breathed out and slowly stood from his seat.
“I’m not sure whether to take the compliment or assume that I look like a bum the rest of the time,” Jay teased.
“Take the compliment,” Aaron said, his gaze still roaming.
“I figured I’d dress up a bit so you wouldn’t be stuck with a nerd wearing a hoodie at a fancy place.”
“You’re just fishing. You know you look just as hot in your T-shirts and hoodies as you do right now. This is just…different.”
Jay preened. Aaron’s reaction was even better than he’d expected. “Thank you.” He leaned over to deliver a quick kiss to Aaron’s cheek before they took their seats.
“So what’s good here? They got Bud Light?” Jay reached for the menu.
“Stop it.” Aaron batted his hand away with a laugh. “I forgot to ask, is it okay for you to drink with your migraines?”
“It’s fine. I know I got one the first night we met, but I promise, they’re very rare. And either way, alcohol’s never been a trigger for me.”
“In that case, you’re definitely getting an overpriced cocktail with a ridiculous name. What do you like?”
“Gin. Tequila. Nothing too sweet.”
“I’ll pick something.”
By the time their server arrived with two glasses of sparkling water, Aaron had gone through the entire cocktail list. Jay enjoyed watching his facial expressions—pursing his lips in distaste, tilting his head in thought, and even rolling his eyes at one of the entries.
“Good evening, gentlemen. What can I get for you tonight?” The server gave a slight nod and angled his body toward Jay, who had no idea how to answer. He hadn’t even touched the menu.
He was about to throw a panicked glance Aaron’s way when Aaron said, “I will have the Aztec Candy, the gentleman will have a Moonlit Canvas, and we’ll take the cheese board for the table.” Aaron spoke calmly, not bothered by the fact that the server wasn’t even looking in his direction.
“Of course.” The server’s expression remained impassive as he turned to Aaron. “The cheeseboard is typically paired with wine. Would you like to see our wine list?”
“No, thank you.” Aaron offered a polite smile. “I think it’ll pair perfectly with tequila.”
“Damn.” Jay shook his head when they were alone again. “This place is intense.”
“I’m surprised you recommended it. It doesn’t seem like your style.” Aaron took a sip of water, his long, elegant fingers gently wrapped around the glass.
Fuck, Jay wanted to be that glass.
Ripping his attention away from the drop of water trailing down Aaron’s hand, he shook his head. “Oh, it’s not. I came here once for a work thing. We were celebrating the end of a large project, and our boss brought us here and let us loose. I don’t think the staff appreciated a bunch of nerds crawling all over the place, asking what beers they had on tap.”
Aaron giggled. “Sounds like a night to remember. Did your boss learn his lesson?”
“Her lesson, and yes.” Jay chuckled, remembering Erica’s eye rolls at the next staff meeting. “We went to normal bars after that.”
“Well, I appreciate you foregoing normal for tonight and bringing me here.” Aaron lowered his voice. “This is exactly what I needed.” His gaze set Jay on fire, and the sly smile made him wonder whether Aaron was talking about the bar or the two of them sitting there together.
The server dropped off their drinks, and Jay carefully slid his glass closer, captivated by its shape—tall and elegant, with a slender stem and a wide, shallow bowl. The liquid inside was a mesmerizing blue, shimmering across the surface. A single leaf floated on top, crisp and symmetrical. How many leaves were discarded before they found the perfect one?
“What is this?” He pointed to his drink. “It’s fucking beautiful.”
Aaron smiled and leaned in. “Gin cocktail with some elderflower and crème de violette for the color. Oh, and a splash of prosecco on top to make it look like it’s moving. Is it moving?”
Aaron held his breath, eyes fixed on Jay’s glass, while Jay, just as still, watched him instead.
“I think I see a little ripple,” Aaron whispered and looked up.
“I see it too,” Jay whispered back without breaking eye contact.
A shy smile played on Aaron’s lips as he straightened out in his seat. “Nothing so exciting here.” He gestured at his own drink in a low glass with a short stem. It reminded Jay of a brandy glass, but instead of brandy, it was full to the brim with colors—yellow, red, blue, purple. Somehow, they didn’t mix with each other, and the impressive display was true to its name—everything about it looked like candy.
“What is it?” Jay asked.
“Tequila and a dozen different kinds of sugar.” Aaron picked up his drink, carefully bringing it to his lips. “I didn’t expect it to be quite so large. I’m not sure I can handle this much sugar.”
He could. By the time their cheese board arrived, most of Aaron’s drink was gone, and he was searching the menu for the next one. Jay wasn’t far behind, selecting the next cocktail on his own, then recusing himself from future picks upon the first taste. Apparently, Aaron knew what Jay would like better than Jay did.
Soft music piped in through hidden speakers, swirling in the air. Their corner was dark, lit only by the flickering candles at the center of the table. As they talked, Aaron angled his chair closer and closer until they sat side by side, their voices low. Distant sounds of clanking glasses and muffled conversations barely reached them, letting Jay pretend they were in a world of their own.
Chapter 16
JAY
Their conversation flowed, as it always did, but Jay couldn’t relax. The pressure of breaking the status quo loomed over him, plunging him into brief but potent bouts of anxiety. Aaron eyed him with curiosity whenever Jay’s mood shifted but didn’t draw attention to it.
When Aaron mentioned setting up the guest room for Mark’s visit, Jay saw an opening. It wasn’t the smoothest transition, but a better opportunity wasn’t likely to come up.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you something. About Mark.” Jay searched Aaron’s face for a reaction.
“Sure, what’s up?” Aaron took a sip of his jalapeño mojito.
“If it’s personal and none of my business, please feel free to tell me to take a hike.” Jay paused again, and Aaron made a gesture prompting him to go on.
“Do you wear the red bracelet because of Mark? Wait, that didn’t come out right. What I mean…do you feel like you’re not ready to play because you don’t think you can find a Dom as good as Mark? It’s gotta be difficult going from someone that knows everything about you to a total stranger.”
Aaron looked at him with a strange expression.
Jay tried to backpedal. “You don’t have to—”
Aaron shook his head, and a knot formed in Jay’s stomach. He hadn’t meant to ruin their evening with his curiosity.
The last thing he ever wanted was to make Aaron upset.
As Jay searched for a graceful way to change the subject, Aaron suddenly broke into laughter—bright and unrestrained, his shoulders shaking. He covered his mouth, trying to muffle the sound as tears leaked from his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he struggled through the words. “I’m not laughing at you. Just…Mark…a Dom…” Aaron dissolved in another fit of laughter. “Okay. I’m sorry. Oh, wow, I haven’t laughed like that in a long time.” He dabbed at his eyes with a napkin.
“I’m still not sure what’s so funny,” Jay pointed out, eager to hear the explanation.
“Just the idea of Mark, not only as a Dom, but as the Dom to ruin me for everyone else. Trust me, if you ever meet him, you’ll see how ridiculous that is. I love the guy, obviously, but he’s a timid little mouse, and he’ll be the first to tell you that about himself. There’s not a shred of dominance in that man.”
“Wait, so you and him didn’t…” Jay’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.
“Oh, we tried. Bless his heart, we tried. But it was obvious from that first half-hearted shove that it was never going to work.”
“So did you have an open relationship or…” Jay trailed off, not sure how to finish that question.
“Or,” Aaron said, his voice firm.
“You haven’t subbed since before you started dating your husband?”
Aaron pressed his lips together. “Pretty much,” he bit off, and Jay realized how deep he was into personal territory.
“I’m sorry, I’m prying.”
“You’re not. If I didn’t want to tell you, I wouldn’t.” Aaron sighed. “It’s just a little weird to talk about.”
If Jay had been sober, he would have stopped asking questions, but he was tipsy and curious.
“I’m surprised you didn’t start making up for lost time the moment your divorce went through. Why didn’t you?”
Aaron chugged the rest of his drink and moved sideways in his chair so he could face Jay. Candlelight danced in his eyes, highlighting the hint of melancholy buried under the smile.
“My marriage didn’t work, but I still believe in love. I want a relationship, a partner, unconditional trust. Having sex with random people doesn’t hold the same attraction it did when I was younger, and I’m not sure I can be vulnerable with someone who doesn’t care about me. I guess I’m expecting to find both romance and a good spanking in the same place.” He chuckled at his own joke. “Maybe it’s time to let that hope go.”
Jay hummed, processing everything Aaron said. So much of what he shared could have come out of Jay’s own mouth, yet it wasn’t the same. It couldn’t be. Aaron wanted a partner, but he didn’t have the pressure of being a Dom hanging over him. Not that he would have an issue with it. He had no problem dominating all aspects of his life.
“Now it’s your turn.” Aaron nudged Jay with his elbow. “You go to the club enough to know everyone by name, but Gordon made it sound like you don’t play there. Got some relationship trauma of your own?”
“No trauma.” Jay shook his head, gathering his thoughts. Aaron was being honest—it seemed fair to be honest in return. “I haven’t had much luck dating people. I don’t have much to offer as a partner. There’s something wrong with me, something big. I’m just…not enough.”
He was afraid to look at Aaron’s reaction. Aaron must have sensed that, grabbing Jay by the chin and lifting his head until they were face-to-face, only a few inches of space between them. Even in the middle of this uncomfortable confession, Jay couldn’t help thinking Aaron was the most beautiful man he’d ever met. His smooth skin was furrowed at the brow, and his striking green eyes radiated determination.
“That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my life,” Aaron said, his fingertips firmly pressing into Jay’s skin. “Putting aside the platitudes of how everyone is great and everyone deserves love, let’s look at the practical here. You can’t say you’re not enough as a blanket statement. The world is full of people looking for different things, and no matter what you have to offer, someone somewhere is looking for it. Even if you think you have some giant flaw, not everyone’s gonna have a problem with it.”
Aaron was surprisingly agitated on his behalf. Jay shrugged and dropped his gaze, which set Aaron off even more.
“Oh, fuck off with that attitude. What is it? A weird fetish? I’m sure there’s an app for that. Got a hang-up about your body? Hundreds of hungry subs will line up to worship each and every part of you as long as you use that sexy stern voice. You belong to a Bon Jovi tribute band? Well, that one might be an actual deal-breaker.”
“Okay, okay.” Jay’s lips curled up in a smile against his will. “I get it. But it’s not that easy.”
Aaron patted his shoulder, his hand lingering before sliding down to Jay’s wrist. Jay turned his palm up, threading his fingers through Aaron’s. He was being too forward, especially for someone talking about what a terrible partner he’d make, but he didn’t care. The feel of Aaron’s hand in his was everything he needed, and he wasn’t giving it up.
“Do you want to tell me what it is?” Aaron asked carefully. “The reason you don’t think you’d make a good partner?”
He would hate himself tomorrow. Every word out of his mouth pushed the dream of dating Aaron further away, but what was the alternative? Mope on the sidelines without even trying? Pretend to be someone he wasn’t?
“I’m…” He didn’t know what to say. Even after deciding to be honest, he had no idea how to actually explain it without going into detail about everything that had ever gone wrong in his relationships. He tried to start one sentence after another, the words dying on his lips.
Aaron squeezed his hand in support, waiting patiently.
“Clearly, I don’t know how to explain it.” Jay huffed in frustration. “But I can give you an example.”
“Whatever you want to share. No pressure.”
“They offered me a promotion at work.”
Aaron’s eyebrows flew up in surprise. “That’s amazing, Jay! Congratulations! I’m proud of you.” He added softly, “We can talk about this stuff another time.”
“I wasn’t trying to change the topic,” Jay said. “That’s the example. I was offered a promotion, and my immediate response was to say no. My boss had to talk me into even considering it. And before you ask, it’s not something terrible where I’d have to work a hundred hours a week or anything like that. It’s literally the same job I’m doing now, plus supervising a few junior employees. Anyone else in the world would say yes. You would say yes, immediately, without second-guessing yourself. You’d never waffle and wonder if you were capable of being a manager or if you were qualified to make decisions—you’d just do it.”
“Jay…” Aaron drew out his name. “You’re not being fair to yourself. Being a manager isn’t something to be cavalier about. It’s a skill, and if you’ve never done it before, it’s a scary new skill. Don’t let anyone strong-arm you into doing something you don’t want to do. It’s perfectly normal to want a career as an individual contributor. People act like being a manager makes you better, but it doesn’t. I’m sure you’ve had enough shitty managers to know that’s the case.”
“That’s just one example.” Jay swirled the remnants of his cocktail around in the glass and drained it, the tart taste of kiwi diluted with melted ice. Another drink would be helpful in freeing his tongue, but his vision was already getting blurry, and he wanted to maintain a semblance of dignity.
