Size matters, p.26
Size Matters, page 26
“Let me go.”
“Never.” He released her and stepped out of the shower.
She collapsed against the wall, her heart pounding.
Why couldn’t he see this was killing her?
She washed the chlorine from her skin and went to her pile of clothes. She didn’t take the time to dry, but quickly pulled them on and left the gym. Jase was at the front desk, and she didn’t wait to say goodbye.
Pulling her hat on her wet hair, she ran to her apartment.
No one followed her.
No sign of Bull.
No sign of his club.
She quickly entered her home, locked the door, and collapsed against it.
Tears filled her eyes as she pulled her legs up to her body, sniffling.
“I’m fine. More than fine.”
They were all the wrong words. There was nothing fine with this feeling.
She didn’t know how long it took for her to get to her feet and walk to her shower. She stripped out of her clothes, knowing it was stupid to walk home soaking wet in this weather.
Stepping beneath the shower, she stayed until she was warm enough to the touch. Then she climbed out, wrapped a towel around her, and went to her bedroom.
Grant no longer stayed with her, so she didn’t need to worry about him seeing her in a towel.
After changing into a pair of pajamas, she dried her hair on the towel and decided against food as she’d been feeling sick all day.
Once inside her bed, she closed her eyes, snuggling into the warmth.
“Look, some guy is going to want … that. It’s not me. I’m sorry. I’ve found out what I really want. No guy wants a fat chick, ever.”
She pressed her hands to her ears, hoping that simple action would help remove those horrible words. They were on repeat, threatening to drive her insane. Tears fell from her eyes.
Slowly, the world began to fade as precious sleep claimed her.
Maddie didn’t know how long she was asleep before she was brought awake with arms wrapped around her.
Panic filled her.
“Maddie, it’s me. Babe, it’s me. It’s Bull. You were having a nightmare.” He had her pinned to the bed. He’d somehow turned the light on and she saw the noticeable scratches on his cheek.
“Bull?”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
“How did you know I was having a nightmare?” she asked.
She had been. Julio had been alive, and she’d been back in that chair. He had a knife, but he hadn’t stopped at one slash, or her knee. He’d kept on hurting her as she begged Bull to save her.
In her dreams, Bull never arrived. She was always alone with a mad man.
“You don’t want to know the answer to that.”
To what?
Oh.
“Grant gave you his key?” She’d been asking him for the key back.
“Yes.”
“You’re watching me?”
“Maddie, I have always been watching you. There’s not a day I’m not watching you.”
She looked around her room. Her body shook with a fever, and she pressed her palm to her temple.
“I’m going to let you go now. Please, don’t hit me.”
She nodded. “I won’t.” Her stomach hurt. Maddie was on fire. She whimpered.
“What’s the matter, babe?” Bull asked.
“I don’t know. I think I’m sick.”
“Running soaking wet and in freezing weather will do that for you.”
“No, I was feeling sick before this.” She groaned. Her stomach turned and then she had no choice but to push Bull out of the way as she ran to the bathroom. She only just made it as the first wave of sickness hit. Throwing up everything she’d tried to eat today, which wasn’t a whole lot, made her feel even worse.
Her whole body tightened and convulsed as she threw up more.
Bull was there, holding her hair as she vomited, rubbing her back.
It shouldn’t feel good him being there, but she liked it. Damn her, she did like it.
“I’m here, Maddie.”
She didn’t want him here, and at the same time, she did, so much.
When nothing else would come out of her, she flushed the toilet, reached for some tissue, and wiped her mouth. She felt even worse.
“Maddie, have you taken a pregnancy test?” he asked.
“I’m not pregnant.”
“I wasn’t careful.”
She groaned. “I’m not pregnant.”
He pulled out his cell phone, and she sighed. “What are you doing?”
“Getting Grant to get a pregnancy test.”
“No, you can’t do that.”
“I can.”
“No. I’m not pregnant.” Hellen had told her at the animal shelter there was a sickness bug going around and the flu. This felt very much like that. She told him that.
“Maddie, you were feeling fine.”
“No, I wasn’t. I haven’t felt great all day. I didn’t realize this is what it is. Hellen was sick yesterday. It’s at the animal shelter, and I’ve been there most days.” She released a cough, then held her stomach as pains rushed through her body. “Pregnancy doesn’t cause this.”
“You know that?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never been pregnant before. I’m assuming.” Talking was giving her a headache. “I feel so sleepy.”
“You’re not going to sleep,” he said.
She sighed and moved to the bathroom floor. Why did people need beds when the bathroom floor was so nice and cold and comfortable? Maddie pressed her cheek to the cool surface.
Bull pulled some of her hair out of the way.
“I need to cut it.”
“No, you don’t.”
“It looks a mess.”
“You’re not cutting your hair,” he said.
“You’re not the boss of me.” She huffed. She heard the door being rapped, and she groaned. “Tell him to be quiet. He’s way too loud.”
Bull chuckled. He left her alone, and Maddie hated how she missed him. It was on the tip of her lips to call him back, but she stayed silent. There was no point in telling him to come back.
“Oh, bathroom floor, you feel so good.”
“Last time I checked, a pregnant woman isn’t shivering, and enjoying the bathroom floor as if it is a comfort blanket.”
Maddie smiled and looked up. “Hey, evil Grant, you’re back.”
“Evil Grant.”
“You were always so cruel to me in high school. You’re evil. You know my not-mom would say you were always telling the truth. I was an ugly, fat girl. No one would want me.” She sighed. “Good times with my not-mom.”
“I think it is time to call the doctor,” Grant said.
“Nope, no doctor. Bull wants me to pee on a stick to prove I’m not pregnant with his babies. He doesn’t want to have babies with me because I’m too fat. He wants those other women at the clubhouse.” She sighed. “You two need to leave.”
She was babbling and knew she’d regret even opening her mouth if she didn’t get them out.
“Get out,” she said. She got to her feet, but the ground was spinning under her. “Tell the earth to stop moving.”
She groaned, seeing the ground coming toward her, but she never touched it. Instead, she was floating, and then some nice soft ground swallowed her up.
“This is nice. I like this.” Maddie opened her eyes, and Bull was there, his hands on her forehead.
“I love you so much, you know. It hurt to see you. I … I’ve never been so upset about a person telling me I was fat and ugly than with you.”
“Maddie, they were all lies.”
“No, they weren’t. It’s why I am working out. I am going to be thin and pretty.” She sighed. “Then you might love me again.”
Warm hands touched her, and they were too hot. She groaned, trying to get away.
“I am in love with you. I don’t want you to change. I love you just the way you are.”
“I don’t think you should kiss her, man. She is seriously sick.”
“I don’t care.”
They were talking, and the world was spinning. Her stomach turned and she closed her eyes. “I need to sleep. I’ll feel better in the morning. Must sleep. Will take pregnancy tomorrow. Want babies so badly.”
She sighed, and her eyes felt so heavy. Too heavy to lift.
The world stopped spinning, and then everything became peaceful again.
****
“Any change?” Carl asked.
“None. The doctor has said she is going to be fine. It is a sickness and flu-like bug going around. With Maddie running home in the cold, he thinks it escalated it. He used a lot of big and fancy terms to say she got sick fast and hard.” Bull glanced back toward the bedroom. He hadn’t left Maddie’s apartment in three days, and he hadn’t wanted to.
The doctor didn’t think it was a good idea to move her. To let her get over the worst and then take her back to his place where he could better look after her.
“Beatrice will be by later with some hot soup.”
“Do you want to see her? She’s not awake and is out of it most of the time.” Bull wasn’t going to tell Carl how much of her life she had told him about in her sickened state. The cruelty of the people who adopted her. She had to live with someone telling her just how much she didn’t measure up for most of her life.
No wonder she was having a hard time forgiving him. With everything he heard, he wouldn’t have forgiven him either.
Maddie believed the lies. He had to get her to see the truth.
“Yes, I’d like to.”
They walked into the bedroom, and Maddie was curled up, sleeping peacefully at least. Bull had been woken up plenty of times by her screams. Julio still lingered in her nightmares, and he couldn’t seem to be able to get the man out of there, which fucking infuriated him. He didn’t want anyone hurting his woman, imagined or real.
“I can’t believe she knows the truth,” Carl said. “You know, we watched her for years. Seeing her grow up. Every time Delia brought her to the diner, it was like a gift. We would do anything for her.”
“Don’t think of Delia as a good person.”
“We don’t. Maddie told us some.”
“It doesn’t even hit the surface of what she went through because of that woman.”
“She seemed like such a good person,” Carl said. “Beatrice and I, we wanted a baby so much, but the diner had so much debt, and so did we. It was at a time in our life when we just couldn’t afford the expense, and I hate myself for even thinking in those terms.”
“Life throws us shit all the time. We’ve got to learn to deal with it.”
Carl reached out and took Maddie’s hand. “We lost so much but we’ve gained even more. She is really something, and it kills me she doesn’t see it. She doesn’t see how beautiful she is. How kind and gentle.”
“People have fucked with her head for the last time. I’m not going to let anyone else get close to her.” He was going to protect her from the world if he had to.
“You do love her?”
“More than anything in my life. She is my reason for breathing.” He moved to the other side of her, reaching out to stroke back her hair. Perspiration dotted her brow. He reached for the cloth and wrung it out, pressing the damp cloth to her forehead. “The doctor said it could help.”
“Beatrice and I, we talked about making you steer completely clear of her.”
“Not going to happen.”
“We know you love her. We just don’t know if it’s strong enough.”
“Maddie is mine,” he said. “Mine to love. You’ve been in her life two minutes.”
“So have you.”
“And you gave her up willingly. What I did, I did for her own safety.” He would argue tit-for-tat for as long as he had to. They needed to see they weren’t getting rid of him. Not now. Not ever.
She settled back down, and Carl sighed. “We know you love her.”
“Good.”
“We won’t get in the way. Maddie needs someone to love her. To always be there for her and we know that person is you.”
Bull looked up. “What was that crap then?”
Carl frowned. “I’ve got to do what is best for her, but we’ve never had the chance to get this right. I’m doing my best.” He glanced down at his watch. “I’ve got to head back. Beatrice will be by later.”
“You’ve said.”
Bull didn’t want to leave Maddie alone, but he did to let Carl out.
Returning to the bedroom, he found Maddie with her eyes open.
“How long were you awake?”
“I heard a lot,” she said.
“He wants to be your dad.”
“I know, I … it’s strange. My parents died some time ago, and … it makes me a bad person, but part of me was glad about that. They were never good people. Now there’s Beatrice and Carl, and … I don’t know what to think.”
He moved closer to the bed. “How are you feeling?”
“Sick. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. Every single part of me hurts.” She pushed some of her hair off her face. “Have you been here the whole time?”
“Yep.”
She sighed. “You should leave.”
“Not going to happen. I’m not leaving you.”
“You’re going to end up sick yourself, and that’s not going to be good.”
“Will you feel guilty?” he asked, coming toward the bed.
She glared at him, but she looked so exhausted it had stopped being cute.
“Get some sleep. Beatrice will be stopping by later.”
She sighed. “Fine.”
“Do you want me to get rid of her?”
“No, it’s fine.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“I don’t think you should be here.”
“I’m still sticking around.”
She released the cutest little growl he’d ever heard, rolled over, and went back to sleep.
Bull cleaned her apartment and opened up a window to allow fresh air in. Saw Beatrice when she came.
Maddie was conveniently out of it. He couldn’t be sure if it was the sickness or Maddie looking for an excuse not to talk to her real mother. She stayed asleep even after Beatrice left, so he figured she was not feeling her best.
For the next couple of days, all he did was take care of Maddie, and he had no problem with that. Random guys from the club would stop by to give him chance to shower by keeping an eye on her.
Hellen stopped by to apologize and promised everyone had gotten better soon.
By the sixth day, Maddie was awake and feeling moody. “I don’t need you to stick around anymore,” she said, throwing her blankets off. “I didn’t need you to stick around to begin with. I don’t need a babysitter.”
“Anyone ever tell you that you’re kind of a buzzkill?” he asked.
She glared at him, which he did find so cute. “You’re so cute.” He winked at her.
“You’re not fair.” She looked at her body and sighed. “I need to take a shower.”
He didn’t give her a chance to back down. Bull picked her up in his arms and noticed a weighable difference with her, and he didn’t like it.
“You need to stop losing weight,” he said.
“You need to put me down and stop telling me what to do,” she said, offering him another glare.
“No can do. I’m your man, Maddie. You know it, I know it. You’re just being too damn stubborn for your own good.”
“This isn’t going to make me fall for you,” she said.
“I don’t want you to fall for me.”
He felt her still in his arms. “You don’t?”
“Nope. You’ve already fallen for me. What I need is for you to forgive me.”
“Not happening.”
“You will.”
“You do have a mighty big opinion of yourself, don’t you?” she asked.
“I know what I’m good at, and if that means I’ve got a big opinion of myself, then I guess I do.” He lowered her to the toilet.
Bull turned the shower on and then pulled his shirt off over his head, tossing it to the floor.
“What are you doing?”
“Do you think after I’ve seen how exhausted and tired you’ve been, I’m going to let you get into that death trap alone?”
“It’s a shower.”
“It’s got a whole lot of things wrong with it. Lots of hard pointy surfaces for you to bang your head on. Not happening.”
“You’re insufferable.”
“And you’re mine.”
“You keep saying that.”
“Because I mean it.” He stripped down to nothing, and when he started to remove her clothes, she gave his hands a slap. “Stop it.”
“Maddie, it’s not like I’ve not seen it all before.”
“Why?” she asked.
“I love you. I love you more every single day, and I will keep telling you this until you’re sick and tired of hearing it. You’re the love of my life.” He gripped the back of her neck and roughly kissed her. “And I will always love you.”
Maddie didn’t fight him as he stripped off her clothes. She stayed perfectly stiff. He lifted her into his arms, and he was only human, so he couldn’t help his arousal.
She didn’t squirm or take any notice of his rock-hard dick. He was finding it hard not to notice. Her body had started to tone up. The roundness of her stomach had reduced, as did her ass. He didn’t like it.
Some men loved a slender, toned body. He wanted his woman to have her curves back.
Bull hated himself more than ever at the feel of just how different she was in his arms.
Pressing his face against her neck, he breathed her in, basking in her scent. “I love you,” he said.
She sniffled.
Leaning back, he saw tears fall from her eyes.
“You broke my heart.”
He wrapped his arms around her, feeling his own world shatter as she finally let go. This was worse than suffering any kind of torture. He wasn’t lying when he said Maddie was his whole world. She was.
The sobs broke from her, and there was far more to it than what he’d seen. Maddie was feeling all of the hurt, the heartbreak, and the pain inflicted by others. The name-calling. The stood-up dates. Him. Grant. Her parents. All of it.
