A dutiful daughter, p.34
A Dutiful Daughter, page 34
‘They’re kept here…’ Robbie swept aside the curtains over the recess that would normally have held a bed. Hooks in a small section of wall served as a wardrobe, holding the familiar dark, pinstriped, old-fashioned suit and two clean shirts, but the rest of the space behind the curtain was filled with books. Here there was no attempt to keep things uniformly tidy. Fat and thin volumes, large and small, crowded together on tier upon tier of rough shelving that covered the recess walls from floor to ceiling. More books spilled from orange boxes and cardboard cartons on the floor. Compared to the rest of the room, the wall recess was a treasure trove.
‘He’s read every one of them too,’ Robbie boasted, pleased by his sister’s awed reaction. ‘He buys them from second-hand shops and pawnshops and he’ll never throw one of them out, no matter how ragged it gets with bein’ read over and over again. Pick somethin’ suitable for him while I see tae some clothin’.’
While he carefully packed the cardboard case, Mirren studied Joe Hepburn’s library. There were all sorts of books: poetry and prose, novels and essays, political writings and volumes on geography, geology, flora and fauna. The names danced at her, some familiar, others not – Charles Kingsley, William Thackeray, Daniel Defoe, Jane Austen, Anthony Trollope, H.G. Wells, Shakespeare, Byron, Robert Browning, Tennyson living cheek by jowl in no specific order, with only one thing in common. They were all old and shabby.
She was so busy looking that she forgot what she was supposed to be doing until Robbie asked, ‘Did ye find anythin’?’
‘This, mebbe… and this.’ Mirren picked out a Charles Dickens novel at random, then took down a volume of poetry as well. From the table which, although crowded, held everything in neat piles and stacks, she took an exercise book and two pencils.
When Robbie tried to close the case he discovered that the catches were broken. After a brief hunt Mirren found some string neatly rolled up in bundles in the chest of drawers, and he tied the case shut. ‘I’ll catch a train, it’ll be quicker than the bus.’
Before following him out she took quick stock of the place again, and realised what had been bothering her since she first walked into it. The small room spoke clearly to her of the man who lived in it: his background, his character, his beliefs and – when the curtain was lifted – his hopes and his longings and his soul. And having seen it, been part of it for a few brief moments, she had the uneasy feeling that she herself would never be the same again.
Robbie was pale and withdrawn when he came home that night, saying only that Joe was fine, and grateful for the books, the writing material and the scones.
‘But he doesnae want ye tae visit him. I can see why,’ he added with a shiver. ‘Those big doors and the sound of keys in the locks, and the look in some of the other men’s eyes… Ye’d not want tae go there if ye didnae have tae.’
‘Mebbe you’d best leave it be, yourself,’ Mirren suggested. His eyes were haunted, his normally open young face closed in a way she had not seen since he had been turned off after completing his apprenticeship. ‘He’s only in for a week.’
‘The least I can do is tae visit the man,’ Robbie snapped at her, but after his second visit he looked even more haggard.
‘He’s off his food, and that’s not like Robbie at all,’ Mirren said to Ella on the Wednesday evening. ‘And last night I heard him walking up and down his wee room when he should have been asleep. But if I say anything he just bites the nose off me.’
‘Best leave him alone. Joe’ll be out soon enough and then Robbie’ll get back tae his old self. If ye ask me,’ Ella began, then changed tack swiftly as the outer door opened, ‘that Ruby Liddell’s got above herself since she started walking out with Gregor Lewis. There’ll be a bottlin’ before… It’s yourself, Robbie. How’s Joe?’
‘Bearin’ up.’
‘I’ll make some fresh tea.’ Mirren picked up the pot then put it down again as Robbie said, ‘I’m not bothered.’
The two girls exchanged glances, then Ella reached into the bed recess and picked up her coat. ‘I’d best be going.’
‘I’ll walk down with ye.’ Robbie, hanging his cap on the peg behind the kitchen door, lifted it down again.
‘Are you certain? You’re just in, and I can manage that wee bit of street on my lone.’
‘I always walk ye back tae George Street,’ he said, jamming the cap over his head. As he led the way out Ella raised her eyebrows at Mirren behind his back. Mirren shook her head helplessly, at her wits’ end.
On the way down the stairs Ella kept Robbie’s moody silence at bay with a stream of meaningless chatter, which was suddenly interrupted when he muttered something and went bounding down the last few steps ahead of her.
‘Robbie…?’ But he had gone, rushing out through the close into the big back court. Reaching the final step, she followed him into the September darkness.
‘Robbie?’ When there was no reply she moved forward slowly, testing the ground with a cautious foot before each step. Although the court was better cared for than some, there was no knowing what might have been left out – a child’s toy, or perhaps a basket of clothes pegs forgotten by some woman already burdened with a big washing from the line. Off to one side she heard the flap and whisper of clothes left out in the night winds because of pressure of time, or perhaps to give them a good freshening. As her eyes grew accustomed to the darkness she could see the flickering restlessness of bed sheets pulling against the pegs that anchored them.
‘Robbie?’ There was still no reply and she was debating whether or not to turn back into the close when he said from quite nearby, ‘I’m here.’
‘Where?’
‘Here.’ There was a movement to her right, then all at once she saw his face, a white glimmer against the darkness of the tenement wall.
‘Are you all right?’
‘I’m… I just thought for a minute that I was goin’ tae be sick. I had tae get outside.’
‘How d’you feel now?’
‘A bit better.’ His voice sounded shaky and Ella fumbled in her bag.
‘Wait a minute.’ Her questing fingers found the small bottle and she drew it out, unscrewed the lid, and held it to his nose. ‘Take a sniff of that.’
He did so and immediately shied away so sharply that she heard the back of his head rebound against the wall. ‘God…!’ He grabbed at her hand and pushed both it and the bottle away, coughing. ‘What’s that?’
‘Sal volatile.’
‘It’s vicious! It near killed me!’ He rubbed his head.
‘I’m sorry about the bump. I meant it tae clear your head, not hurt it. I carry it around with me because since I… since the bairn started I sometimes feel a bit faint. It helps me every time. D’ye want tae try it again, more carefully this time?’ she suggested.
‘No no, I’m fine.’
‘You’re not fine at all, Robbie Jarvis. When ye came home tonight ye looked for all the world as if it was you in prison and not J— What is it?’ she asked sharply as he gave a muffled groan and turned in against the wall, forehead against the cold stone. ‘Ye might as well tell me, for ye’re worryin’ the life out of poor Mirren, and now ye’re worryin’ me.’
‘I’m a coward, Ella.’
‘Ye are not! Who said such a thing?’
‘I’m sayin’ it, and I’m sayin’ the truth.’ He took a long ragged breath. ‘It’s as well I wasnae old enough tae fight in the war, for I’d never have been any good at it. I’d’ve turned and run for home and been shot for a deserter if I’d…’
His voice broke and when she touched his back she could feel the tremor shuddering all through his body. ‘Robbie?’
‘I couldnae do it, Ella,’ he said. ‘I couldnae do a spell in the jail like Joe. Just walkin’ intae the place tae see him has me near vomitin’ with fear, even knowin’ that in an hour I’ll be able tae walk out again and come home. Joe can take it, but I cannae. And it’ll come tae that, as sure as anythin’, if I go on with the meetin’s.’ In one convulsive movement he turned and pulled her into his arms, clinging to her as though she was his anchor. ‘I believe in it all, but not enough. It’s one thing clappin’ and cheerin’ and talkin’ about it, but I could never go tae prison for it. That’s what did for John Maclean and… Oh, Ella, I’m that ashamed!’
‘Shush now, there’s nothin’ wrong with bein’ frightened.’ She held him close, talking, trying to still the tremors that shook him from head to toe. ‘Listen tae me, Robbie. Cowards are folk that arenae even true to themselves. There’s nothin’ wrong with bein’ the person ye are. Look at me. Folk think I’ve made a mistake – the kindly ones, that is; the others just think I’m sinful – but tae my mind the only thing I did wrong was tae love a man who belonged tae someone else. I’ll never regret Vanni…’ She had reached the stage where she could use his name without crying but, even so, the taste of those two short syllables in her mouth still caused a jolt of pain near her heart.
‘Because he made me happy and he’s given me a bairn tae love. D’ye know what Mrs Drysdale said tae me last week?’
‘What?’ At least he was listening to her.
‘She said that if I kept the bairn, folk would always see the poor wee innocent soul as livin’ proof of my sinnin’.’
‘What?’ Robbie straightened, holding her back from him so that he could see her face in the dim light from the surrounding windows. ‘The old bitch!’
‘She’s been very good tae me, and she was only tryin’ tae explain how hard it would be for me if I keep him. But it’d be a lot harder tae let him go. I’ve not got the courage tae do that. I’ve just got tae hope that mebbe one day he’ll understand, even if nob’dy else does. And mebbe,’ she said, low-voiced, ‘he’ll agree with Mrs Drysdale and tell me that I ruined his life, bringin’ him intae the world a bastard. But I’ve made up my mind, Robbie, and so should you. Surely Joe wouldnae think any the less of you for not wantin’ tae go tae prison for your beliefs. ’Specially if you’d the courage tae tell him face tae face. Man tae man.’
She was close enough to feel his body slump as he recalled his own problem. ‘Ye don’t understand…’
‘If you could do anythin’ ye wanted in the whole world, no matter what, what would ye do?’
‘I’d go tae America with Mirren. I’ve said I don’t want tae go, but I do.’
‘Then go. Joe’ll understand.’
‘Joe’s not the only reason why I said no,’ he said abruptly. ‘There’s you.’
‘Me?’
‘I thought mebbe one day, if I’d the patience tae wait until…’ He gulped down air, then said in a rush, ‘Come tae America, Ella, with us… with me.’
‘But…’
‘I know I’m younger than you, but only a year or two, not enough tae make a differ—’
She put her hand up to cover his mouth.
‘Robbie, it’s got nothin’ tae do with age. It wouldnae be right for me tae let ye take on responsibility for another man’s bairn.’
He caught her wrist and pressed her fingers closer so that he could kiss them, then held them against his cheek. ‘It’s your bairn, and that’s all that matters tae me. I swear I’d never be jealous of Vanni, or what he meant tae ye. Ye don’t even have tae love me, not till ye’re ready. I’ve enough love for the both of us, and it’s been growin’ since that night Mirren brought ye home and I sat beside the bed and watched ye cryin’ in yer sleep. It near broke my heart, not bein’ able tae help ye. But now I can. I’m talkin’ about a new life for us both, far away where nob’dy knows us and we can both start again.’ He gulped again, then gave a husky laugh. ‘And if ye’re angry with me for talkin’ tae ye like this, it’s yer own fault, for you’re the one who’s tellin’ me tae be honest and face the consequences.’
‘But I didnae think tae hear that sort of truth,’ Ella said feebly.
‘Now that ye have, d’ye have an answer for me? I don’t mind what it is… well, I do, but I’ll accept your decision. I just have tae know, Ella, for I cannae bear the wantin’ and the wonderin’ any longer.’
She could have done with the sal volatile bottle, but she had no idea what had become of it. ‘What would Mirren say?’
‘Ach, tae hell with Mirren and all the rest of them,’ Robbie said, taking her into his arms. His mouth was warm against hers, his arms strong. The need that had ached like a rotting tooth deep inside Ella for weeks stirred and responded. Although common sense tried to advise otherwise, her arms drew him close, and her mouth returned the kiss. Vanni Perrini had awakened something in her that would not now be denied. The man who held her was not Vanni and never could be; he too was gentle and loving, able and willing to give as well as take.
They clung together in the darkness of the back court where once the Bargarran witches had died in front of a baying crowd, while a few yards away someone’s abandoned washing flapped and fussed on the clothes line.
28
‘It must have come as a shock tae you,’ Joe said.
‘It was, but once I got used to the idea I realised that it was the best thing that could happen to Ella, and I’ve never seen Robbie so happy.’
‘When he came tae the jail tae tell me, he seemed tae be a good few years older and six feet taller. I’d say he’s ready for the responsibility he’s takin’ on.’
Mirren had been in the middle of the ironing when Joe arrived, and at his insistence she had continued with it. In any case, it gave her something to do with her hands, and the chance to sneak the occasional glance at him under the pretext of reaching for another garment or hanging something on the clothes horse to air. He looked well enough despite his week-long incarceration, although patches here and there on his face had a yellow tinge – the final remnants of the bruises he must have received at the meeting when he was arrested.
‘He was worried about how you’d take it,’ Mirren told him.
‘Me?’
‘He thought he might be letting you down, going off to America.’
‘That’s daft. We’ve all got our own roads tae walk. We’ll all miss him, though, for he’s got a good head on his shoulders and a clever way with words. I hope he’ll keep on with his writin’ in America. Talkin’ about writin’, I believe I’ve you tae thank for the paper, pencils and books Robbie brought tae me. He said you’d picked them out.’
‘Were they all right?’
‘Aye, but what made ye send Great Expectations?’
‘It was just the first one that came to hand. Why? D’you not like that one? I thought you enjoyed Charles Dickens.’
‘Oh I do, but I just wondered, with it havin’ a right desperate convict in it that managed tae escape from the jail. You werenae sendin’ me some sort of message, were ye?’
‘Oh!’ Her hand flew to her mouth. ‘I’d no notion – I just took the book from the shelf…’ she said in confusion, then on seeing the glint in his eyes: ‘You must think I’m daft!’
‘No, but I got a good laugh out of it, and it’s nice tae have somethin’ tae laugh at in a place like Gateside.’
‘Was it bad?’
‘Och, I managed fine. I’d not want tae be in a place like that for much longer than a week, though – or tae be sent tae the prison hulks like that poor man in Dickens’s book.’
His blue eyes seemed to Mirren, in her newly heightened awareness of him, to be more blue, more direct than before, his long hands more eloquent in their movements. His presence filled the kitchen now, or perhaps that was just her imagination.
She gave herself a shake and took one of Robbie’s shirts from the pile on the table.
‘So, when d’ye go then?’
‘Robbie and Ella are off in two weeks’ time, just. It doesn’t give them a lot of time, but they’re using the steamship tickets Donald sent, and with Ella’s condition, the sooner she gets to America the better. Once they’d made their minds up, they didn’t want to wait until after the bairn was born, for that’s another four months away yet. That’s where they are today – in Glasgow seeing to the paperwork. They’ll get married in America.’
‘And when do you go?’
One particular crease in the shirt was being very obstinate. She ran the iron over it again, pressing down hard. ‘I’m not going at all.’
‘You’re staying in Paisley?’
‘I don’t want to marry Donald now.’ The crease was still there. She leaned even harder on the iron. ‘There’s no point in going halfway round the world to spend the rest of my life with a man I don’t love any more.’
He got up from the chair with that swift unfolding motion that belonged only to him, and came to touch the iron, a quick, tentative tap at first, then a firm clasp round the base.
‘This is cold.’
‘Is it?’
‘Aye. Ye’ll never iron things smooth with it like that.’ His hand brushed against hers as he took the iron away and she drew her breath in sharply. When he had placed it back on the gas ring to heat he asked, ‘What made ye decide against marryin’ Donald Nesbitt?’
One day she might be in a position to tell him that the decision had been made for her when she stood in the cold little room that housed all his worldly possessions and suddenly felt such a strong sense of him, to her very core, that she hadn’t been the same since. But that day lay in the future, and instead she said primly, ‘I just realised that there were things I wanted to see to in the town. Unfinished work.’
‘Are you considering my suggestion about takin’ an interest in politics?’
‘Indeed I am not.’
‘It’s such a waste,’ he mourned. ‘Ye’d be a grand speaker, Mirren.’
‘Each to his own, Joe. I’d like more time to read, though. You’ve got a lot of books – you might want to store them here once Robbie’s gone.’
‘Why would I do that?’ he asked, and she sighed inwardly.
‘I’m only making the offer because there’ll be more room here and it’d be more convenient for me to read them.’ And she would iron his shirts and see that he was properly fed, and mop the blood from his face and his knuckles after the more vigorous meetings, and put vinegar on his bruises. She might even, God help her, wait for him to come out through the prison gates if she had to.
